Dumbassitis: A New Epidemic
According to the CDC, a resistant strain of dumbassitis has swept the political landscape this year. One spokesperson for the health organization explained, “We have always had dumbasses in politics, but this year we’re seeing symptomatic stupidity with heightened intensity and frequency. Of great concern is the extreme resistance to logic that accompanies this particular variety. We haven’t seen the likes of it in nearly a century.”
Indications of dumbassitis include: irrational feelings of paranoia and insecurity around smart and powerful women. Men with dumbassitis suffer from a weak manhood. When faced with an intelligent woman, the afflicted individual’s masculinity simply withers on the vine. In response to this sudden flaccid sensation, the sufferer panics and acts like a dumbass.
Typical dumbass behaviors include but are not restricted to:
- Delusions of persecution by women in the workplace that lead to an unreasonable fear of equal pay.
- Rapid-fire outbursts of woman-hating language like “slut!” “whore!” and “prostitute!” that relate more accurately to the accuser’s sense of sexual inadequacy than they do to the woman’s sexual behavior.
- An intense and professed fear of a woman’s reproductive choices that leads to irrational notions of personhood, including the downgrading of a woman’s own.
- Professed and irresponsible ignorance regarding the health benefits of birth control and family planning.
- A preoccupation with medical paraphernalia, such as the vaginal probe. The medical jury is out as to whether this is attributable to impotence anxiety associated with Dumbassitis, or if it’s simply a manifestation of depraved sexual fantasies.
- Panicked religious-political fervor that often confuses personal faith with public policy.
- Extreme temporal disorientation, with many dumbasses even mistaking the century, confusing this election year with that of 1912, when women were still fighting for the right to vote a Dumbass out of office.
Dumbassitis tends to affect pasty white Republican men in disproportionate numbers, but doctors explain it can attack anyone with a thick skull and a cold heart of stone—even women and other minorities. The Reverend Jesse Lee Peterson, for example, suffers from a particularly aggressive strain of the disease.
So far, treatment has been unsuccessful. A combined injection of reason, confidence, kindness and commonsense (RCKC1) is said to work wonders in combatting this scourge. However, the inherent nature of the disease causes sufferers to refuse treatment, making the dumbass a difficult patient to heal.
Doctors are working desperately to develop a vaccine that, if delivered early, could prevent dumbassitis from appearing in young people. The CDC has proposed a plan to use quality public education to vaccinate all children with RCKC1. If successful, the effort could eradicate this insidious disease within a generation.
In the meantime, if you are exposed to a dumbass, and you are fortunate enough not to be suffering from the condition yourself, belly laughter is believed to be the best medicine. As an effective means of prevention, the Department of Health recommends at least 20 seconds of sustained hooting, guffawing and snorting during or after contact.
Furthermore, if you’ve had the misfortune of a personal encounter with a someone suffering from dumbassitis, please contribute to the National Dumbassitis Database (NDD), by briefly sharing your experience in the comments below. The information will be used in the battle to find a cure for this devastating condition which not only threatens our citizenry but the very future of our country.